Why I Oughta...

My peaceful little urban enclave is getting scary, murders, mayhem and the oddest recurring prank involving Sprite. We’re technically a part of the city of Boston, my neighborhood and I, but resemble a suburb in that we’re all houses and narrow streets, independent pharmacies and small grocers. There’s been almost no violent crime in the last few years but suddenly in just the last week there have been two shoot-outs.

It makes me want to buy a gun and wear it visibly in a holster as I shovel snow or take out the garbage. Just you try to fuck with me and the home in which I’m raising my child.

Some locals suggest it’s a chance for the community to band together, to become stronger. I just want to declare war.

And then there’s the dumbest act of vandalism I’ve ever encountered. At night, under cover of darkness, people (come on, we know they’re guys) throw Sprite on all the cars parked on my street.

Well there’s a good time.

Let’s see, it’s evening in Boston, we’re alive and well. We could read, see a movie, learn something, lift weights, write an email, anything. No! I know what we can do. Dude, let’s drive around and pour soda on cars.

Now there’s smart and cool all rolled up into one pretty little package.

I’d like to lie in wait not to catch and report the dim bulbs but to shout at them, Yo Bozo the clowns! What excellent lives you are living! Driving around all night with your soda.

But where would that put me? A sleep-deprived gay mother hiding behind the curtains with a megaphone hurling sarcasm. At least my car is clean. A little Sprite is always a good excuse to get a car wash.

So I buy no gun and hurl no sass. I feel mildly relieved none of it is the result of homophobia. Straight people are getting killed and no car is spared. It’s equal opportunity delinquency, which as far as I’m concerned is second cousin once removed to gays in the military. Oh goodie, we’ve been invited to the party.

Meanwhile, I’d like to buy my daughter armor. I’d like to move to the real suburbs where come to think of it, such things likely would be fueled by homophobia. Oy vey, where’s a little gay family to go?